Warning: lots of cuss words and sexual content ahead.
We all know by now that it can be pretty difficult to be a woman on an online dating site. I’ve heard recently about a few men who decided to go incognito (posting their own hobbies and interests but using the photo of an attractive female friend) to see what it’s “really like” and were quickly horrified. There is no question that a lot of lewd and disgusting stuff gets hurled at women who dare to put themselves “out there” for a general audience.
In addition to being terrifying, sometimes using online dating sites can be funny. Really, really funny. For your viewing pleasure, I have compiled some of the most ridiculous messages my girlfriends and I were able to pull together at a moment’s notice. I want this to be an ongoing project, so if you have some hilarious screencaps, please send them my way! I will 100% protect the anonymity of everyone involved (yours and the message sender). For what it’s worth, I do still have a profile on an unnamed popular dating site, which I have marked clearly that I am married and only interested in making new friends. I have a few reasons for keeping it, none of which involve cheating on my husband or scouting potential suitors, so I’d like to just disclose that at the outset. If the font is too small to read on any of these, click on the image and it will open a bigger version in a new tab.
I think these can be broken down into a few categories.
First, the lewd and overtly sexual. It doesn’t matter whether or not a lady has expressed any interest in casual sex, none of these posts are a good way to get someone from the internet into bed. There can be very real dangers involved in meeting people online and even casual hookups need to establish themselves as safe, respectful people. These messages do not meet that bar:
No sloppy Jills, perv!
A great cold open. Bravo, dude.
“Don’t text me!”
Morning wood is really inconvenient.
There are also people who will send out an unsolicited autobiography/resume. These are people who clearly think that the way to get a “foot in the door” is to insist that their time is more valuable than yours. Rather than coming up with something about you to discuss, they copy and paste what is essentially a form letter to as many women as possible. They cannot trust that sending a message, in which they act like a decent person, will lead to a woman clicking on their profile and reading this information where it’s actually appropriate. It’s almost like they’re saying, “I know better than you do that you’ll like me, but who you are doesn’t actually matter.” These are probably the same people who come up with a stock cover letter when applying for jobs instead of writing a fresh one for each position.
“A whole lot of funny.”
“Application to flirt.”
I know how to make relationships work because I’m divorced. Also, I will not take the fact that you aren’t responding to my messages as a sign of disinterest:
Also, a friend clued me in to this amazing meme that encapsulates my immediate thoughts about his “Handel” typo:
“Alpha male fucking awesome”
“Have a pleasant day”
Some guys will just be plain, old fashioned mean. These usually aren’t guys who are interested in pursuing anything, just jerks who need to comment on the bodies of every woman who exists. They treat us as though we are just another part of the collective visual landscape, like some litter on the street or a dead tree that someone should chop down.
“I have much higher standards.”
This came from a friend. I hate the sender with every ounce of my being.
“Attractive in a weird sorta way.”
As previously stated, I have a profile that states explicitly that I am married and only looking for friends. Every so often, I’ll get a message from someone who seems to think that I’m only pretending to be married so that guys won’t send me messages. This contains a point within a point: he thinks I’m a liar, but also doesn’t care about what I want (not to be sent messages). There are also guys who just have no sense of boundaries.
Okay, good, so we established that he doesn’t sell sea shells.
Sometimes guys will send messages that are just plain bizarre. My best guess is that this is an attempt to stand out among a sea of suitors. Here’s the thing about that though: women aren’t choosing from a pool of identical, similarly qualified applicants. If a girl isn’t into you when you’re just being yourself, she isn’t into you, period. Stop trying to trick us into being interested. Sometimes that’s about looks and that’s okay. Women are evaluated as potential partners for our looks constantly. Being attracted to someone is a valid precursor to relationships to a whole lot of people. We aren’t “shallow” and no man is owed a chance to prove themselves. I guess that’s a post for another day. Without further delay, here are the weird ones:
“Very sensual I am told.”
“a REAL lady”
Who could resist an offer like this one?
Very important for establishing shared values.
This seems like a weird variant on street harassment. Okay.
…if not, this is gonna be awkward…
And finally, the pièce de résistance: